Conservative Think Tank Declares Not Enough American Children are Going Hungry

 

Washington, DC--A conservative think tank, Prosperity for a Prosperous America, proclaimed yesterday
that not enough children in America are going hungry. In a press release, the think tank blamed the current lack of American global competitiveness on Americans not having to work for 3rd world wages..

Dr. Charles Chewie, President of Prosperity for a Proserous America, said in that press release that in the United States companies have to pay Americans at least a minimum wage and it  is cutting a few cents into corporate profits.

"In the US, Corporations are already stretched thin. A few cents adds up and it can mean the difference between a CEO making 100 million or 99 million a year. This is an outrage!" Chewie said.

"Greedy American workers that want to have food for their families are a big problem. How can you have prosperity for America when American children are not as hungry as those in Bangladesh or some other really competitive nation"

"The fact that 1 in 4 children live in poverty in the US but in other competitive countries, like the Dominican Republic, a lot more children live in poverty means that the US is not as prosperous as we should be." Chewie said.

Prosperity for a Prosperous America  believes that if Americans could move past their own greed then they would accept a much higher hunger and poverty rate for children as well as adults.

"We have to educate Americans, and it starts with children, that they shouldn't expect something to eat every day. This is a crazy notion that started with greedy social reformers trying to make sure that Americans were not starving. That is a backwards notion and not in keeping with global competitiveness" Chewie was quoted as saying.

The conservative think tank declared that hunger is just a mindset and people don't need as much food as they think.

"Selfish people concerned about themselves and their families having enough to eat is killing American competitiveness and we all know that a competitive America is a prosperous America," Chewie said.

Reporter Chino Idiota

Rubio Says More Moral Victories Coming, Changes Campaign Slogan to "Rubio! for the Fun of It"

MIAMI, Florida--A campaign spokesperson, who spoke on condition of anonymity since that person was not authorized by the Rubio Campaign to speak on the record to the press because that person is not a very good speaker and usually has trouble articulating the Rubio Campaign talking points even though that person is a campaign spokesperson, said yesterday that Rubio will never quit running for President.

After a humiliating defeat in yesterday's Super Dooper Tuesday Republican primary, Senator Marco Rubio discussed the way forward in his quest toward winning the Presidency. Rubio, after failing to win one delegate in any of the several states that held primaries or caucuses or dinner parties or get togethers, told his campaign staff that this was not a loss but a moral victory.

Rubio was quoted as saying to his staff, "Look I am not going to let a guy with small hands and a really bad spray tan win the Presidency. I will never stop running."

In a gesture to prove his point, Rubio ran around the headquarters repeatedly for what many believe was well over an hour and said that a con man couldn't run like that.

According to the anonymous campaign spokesperson, Rubio was informed that the billionaires that buy elections no longer thought he was a good investment. Rubio, it was reported, laughed and said, "Who needs their money. I am going all the way, just like I did on my first date."

Rubio said that he had a lot of laughs making fun of Trump over the last several weeks and that laughter is indeed the best medicine.

"Look, I am going to make people laugh all the way to the Presidency." Rubio declared.

Rubio was evidently also encouraged by the fact that people were laughing about his inability to win any major states despite having spent hundreds of millions of dollars. He told his staff that laughter is the key to many more moral victories.

Rubio demanded that staffers begin working on material that will make for the best jokes ever seen in any political campaign. Rubio left the room and came back dressed in a clown outfit yelling that the new campaign theme will be "Rubio! for the Fun of It."

At Rubio Campaign Headquarters today staffers were seen dressed in funny outfits and make-up trying to make each other laugh. The biggest laugh line seemed to be when one-staffer joked, "What is smaller than Donald Trump's hands? Rubio's delegate count!"


Political Analyst Chino Idiota