Major Government Report: Guns Not Killing People, Bullets Are

Bullets for handloading - Sierra brand in .270 Winchester caliber (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

WASHINGTON DC--Looking at 4 decades worth of US data, the FBI"s Bureau of Statistical Analysis of Criminal Behavior released a report stating that the answer to the problem of US shooting deaths cannot be found in banning guns.

The report released yesterday called into question whether regulating or even banning firearms will make any difference because guns are not killing people, bullets are.

"We don't need to get rid of the Second Amendment to the Constitution guaranteeing US citizens the right to bear and keep arms. Instead banning guns is counter productive because after a careful analysis of all US gun violence, we found that guns were not killing people. Rather it was the bullets being shot from the guns that were killing people," FBI's Lead Statistical Analytical Researcher Dr Elmer Feelgood reported.

"Sure there were a few deaths over the past 4 decades when somebody killed somebody by hitting them with the butt of their rifle, but all shooting deaths involved bullets," Feelgood noted.

The report said that unless the focus is placed on bullets, the mass shooting mayhem will continue in the US.

Dr Feelgood confidently proclaimed, "Everybody can and should own whatever guns they want. If they want assault rifles or even machine guns, that is a right. But there is no Constitutional guarantee that they be allowed to have bullets for those weapons. If we ban bullets then we will see an end to gun violence."

The National Rifle Association applauded the Bureau's report for finally taking the blame away from guns and placing it where it belongs.

Jill Irons, a spokesperson for the NRA, said that it is good to see that what we have been saying all along has finally been shown to be true. "Obviously it wasn't the guns killing all those people in the US. We are so glad that the report placed the blame where it really belongs, on the ammunition," Irons said.

The Ammunition and Recreation Association has countered with a statement today saying that it is clear that the bullets couldn't be fired without guns and therefore it is the guns killing people.

But Dr. Feelgood countered that counter by saying we have a Constitutional right to guns but not to bullets.

Staff Writer, Chino Idiota

Student Watching Too Many Republican Debates Charged With Bullying, Calls Teacher a "Liar" and Principal "Low Energy"

English: Donald Trump speaking at CPAC 2011 in Washington, D.C. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

HUNTINGTON, Alabama--The family of  a student charged with bullying and harassment yesterday at Huntington Junior High  released a statement to the media charging that their son was treated unfairly.

The parents of Gillup Harrington said their son shouldn't have been suspended for calling his teacher "a liar", Hispanic students in the school "drug addicts" and "some of them are even rapists", and that Muslim students should be put in confinement "until we can figure out what is going on".

Gillup admits to making those statements every day and on multiple occasions, but he said that he was just following his hero Donald Trump.

"I met the Principal. He is really low energy. Nobody likes him. Everybody in school hates him. He is the reason this school is no longer great," Gillup said.

"The teacher is a liar and everybody knows that. She should be fired. A total disaster as a human being," Gillup continued.

Gillup's parents were not disturbed by their son's comments.

"When Trump has the Mexicans pay for that great big beautiful wall and they are sent home and when the Muslims are rounded up and put in camps, then Gillup will be vindicated," Harry Harrington, the father of Gillup said.

The mother of Gillup, Shirly Harrington, also supported her son.

"The school is a mess and my son Gillup is just pointing out the problems. Gillup is just like our future President Donald Trump and they are trying to say he is a bully. My son will be President someday too.

"This thing is going to be huge. I mean we can make this school great again but first we have to remove students and staff that are liars, drug addicts, rapists, terrorists, and I assume some of them are even nice people." Gillup said.

Huntington Junior High Principal Gary Jordan said that evidently Gillup has been watching too many Republican debates but we cannot condone those type of comments and disrespect in school.

"Those comments may be acceptable when you are running for President, but we try to teach our student's to be decent people and have good character."

Guffaw Gazette Political Writer Chino Idiota

People Flocking to get the "Trump Cut" Hair Style

LOS ANGELES, California--Donald Trump has not only taken the political world by storm but the Donald Trump Hair Style is now all the rage.

From young to old, men are lining up at barbers and salons throughout the country to get the "Trump Cut."

Jose Griego, a barber of 44 years in Los Angeles, says he has never seen anything like it.

"Everybody wants the look. I cut predominantly Hispanic men and they want the cut too. Even my African American clients want to know if I can give them the "Trump Cut," said Griego.

A long line of people waited outside of Griego's small barber shop to get the Trump hair style.

Billy Barnes, an elderly man, said that he was hoping he could hide his nearly bald head with the Trump Cut.

Barnes said, "I ain't got much up there anymore. But what little I got I am hoping Jose can wrap it around my head the way Trump does."

Many beauticians are reporting that the salon's are full of men trying to get the same hair color as well.

Rita Jones, a beautician in Santa Monica, said that the hair coloring business is very good thanks to Trump.

"You know", Jones said, "People want that look. They think it will make them some form of big shot. Maybe they can even get rich like Trump.

Fashion Editor Chino Idiota

Major Study Finds People Don't Like Each Other, May Explain Republican Appeal

English: , member of the United States Senate, exhibits his grip strength with a hand dynamometer during a tour of the Gerontology Research Center's Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Human Aging testing laboratories. Looking on is Dan Rogers of the NIA Center's information staff. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

NEW HAVEN, Connecticut--In a landmark longitudinal study conducted over 2 decades involving nearly a hundred thousand people, researchers at New England Institute of Behavioral Sciences discovered that people don't actually like each other.

According to the study, people often pretended to be polite but when they they registered their true feelings the results were surprising.

Dr. John Frankincense said, "When we put the numbers together and registered people's true feelings we found that 89% of the people didn't like about 93% of the people they were interacting with about 100% of the time. We also found that most times people were not acting aggressive but they often felt like verbally and sometimes physically assaulting others."

Frankincense also reported, "Maybe our findings can be used to explain why people engage in wars, other terrible acts of violence toward each other, and maybe even the lack of governmental help for those in need. It might even explain why some people choose to be conservative and neoconservative Republicans"

But some researchers are not convinced that you can draw much of a conclusion from the finding that people don't like each other.

Dr. John Sugarman, a South Ridge Tech professor, points out that people may not like each other but they also don't like to work and they still do it.

"The fact that people have such dislike for each other cannot explain wars, the growing poverty rate, lack of help for the needy, the homeless, corporate welfare queens or even Republicans. People have been taught not to care about each other and the fact they don't like each other doesn't matter much."

Researchers agree that further studies will be needed to see if people actually care about each other even though they really don't like each other.

The landmark study will soon be published in Journal of Human Understanding later sometime.

Social Science Writer Chino Idiota

Marco Rubio to Not Actually Do Anything As President Just Like He Did in the Senate

English: Official portrait of US Senator Marco Rubio of Florida. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

GILLMORE, Georgia--Speaking to a capacity crowd at the town's diner yesterday, Marco Rubio told his assembled supporters that he plans on working as little for the people of America as he did in the Senate.

The first term Senator from Florida said, "Alot has been made of the fact that I seldom voted for bills in the Senate. But as you can see that strategy worked for America. After all I have placed a strong second or third in nearly every primary."

"As President," Rubio continued," I will let the country run itself."

Rubio has been battling to explain his lack of attendance in the Senate. His campaign has come up with the idea that Rubio works best if he is not working.

Rubio said that it is time we get out of the way and let the people do the governing. Therefore as President, Rubio said he plans on letting the people run the country while he goes golfing.

"If the economy runs by an invisible hand then why can't the Presidency do the same. Capitalism works best when the markets are free to crash. The Presidency can do that also," Rubio declared.

One Rubio supporter, Shara Lynn Johnson, said she likes the idea of Rubio continuing not doing anything in the White House.

Johnson said, "I hope Rubio doesn't let the Presidency change him. He has done such a great job of not doing anything in the Senate and America didn't even notice he was missing. That is the type of leadership that I hopes he continues."

But an undecided voter, Lloyd Hudgkins, wasn't sure he liked Rubio's plan.

"I like Rubio but I am not sure he can do things if he is not intending to actually do anything as President. Sure that strategy might have worked in the Senate," Hudgkins said, "But it might not work as President.

Rubio's Campaign is confident that the voters will like the idea of Rubio being a President that won't be President. 

Guffaw Gazette News Writer Chino Idiota

Hillary Clinton Promises Big Banks She'll Get Tough on American People if They Need It

WALL STREET, New York--In a closed door meeting with many of her banking supporters, Hillary Clinton promised that she can be tough on the American people, "if they need it."




After a breathtaking win by 1 or 2 percentage points in Nevada over Bernie Sanders, Clinton wowed her Wall Street backers by saying when it comes to keeping them safe from the American people "I am with you."

Clinton said, "If the American people crash the economy like they did in 2008, I will get tough on them, if they need it."

The Wall Street CEOs, who asked not to be identified by a person who spoke on condition of anonymity since he or she wasn't authorized to speak in any capacity for the Clinton Campaign, seemed very happy with the Clinton tough talk on the American people.

"My husband and I took on the American people when we helped usher in NAFTA which resulted in the loss of millions of American jobs. We also reformed welfare which hurt millions of poor American children," Clinton told a cheering audience.

Clinton went on to assure her Wall Street backers that her tough talk about them was needed to bring her stunning electoral victories like the ones recently in Iowa and Nevada.

Clinton also said she believes that the momentum will continue since the American people can't seem to distinguish their interests from the interests of the .001% that control the government and the economy.

It was reported that millions upon millions of dollars were raised for the Clinton Campaign at this meeting.

Bodhi Bits News Writer Chino Idiota